senator robert byrd (d-ranged) were to sit down and play a game of nethack?
note: i got distracted while typing this post up, so it will be finished sometime tomorrow. also, starting tomorrow i'm going to sell out (sort of) and start a series called "crush of the week." it will be somewhat similar to rob's friday babe of the week (including the infrequent updates... they must not have had any fridays in north dakota for quite awhile now), except everything should be safe for work.
ok, here's the full meal deal:
…senator robert byrd (d-ranged) sat down to play a game of nethack? this will make a lot more sense if you’ve played the game. also, a quick disclaimer: this is not meant to piss off anyone, with the exception of robert byrd and maybe some whacko liberals. if you are offended anyways, either a) it was unintentional on my part… no intended harm, so no foul; or b) you’re just too dang sensitive, get over it.
Who are you? White Dragon (“That’s got a catchy sound to it, doesn’t it Hoodie?”)
Shall I pick a character’s race, role, gender and alignment for you? [ynq] (“Hell no!”) n
Pick a role for your character (“Hmm… wizard sounds good.”) w
Pick the race of your Wizard (“Let’s see… human, elf, gnome, or orc. Why not just say ‘human or subhuman’?”) h
Pick the gender of your human Wizard (“What, only the two choices? Howard Dean would hate this game. Oh well, male it is.”) m
Pick the alignment of your male human Wizard (“Neutral, of course. I am an unbiased force for truth and justice!) n
Hello White Dragon, welcome to NetHack! You are a neutral male human Wizard.
(“A pet cat? What the hell is this?”) C. What do you want to call the kitten? (“Hmmm, something appropriate… aha!”) Kat the Klan masKot. (“Hehehe, perfect!”)
i (“Force bolt, knock, not bad spells. But when do I get the one that lets me dump a hooker in the river with no repercussions, like Teddy? Hell, I guess I’m already older than the river is… what’s a few more days of waiting? Besides, I got a scroll of enchant weapon… great way to start.”)
[Narrator: after adventuring through several rooms and killing multiple monsters—including a newt (n), a lichen (F), and a jackal (j)—White Dragon/Senator Byrd quaffs a healing potion (!) and decides to risk drinking from a nearby fountain (⌠).]
You’ve unleashed a water demon! Grateful for its freedom, it grants you a wish! (“Booyah! Score baby!”) What do you wish for? A white hood. Sorry, no such item exists. You receive a leather helm. (“Horse shit! No white hoods? What kind of crazy world is this? Next thing you know one of those darkies will try and walk on the same side of the hallway as me. Oh well, may as well put it on.”)
[Narrator: unfortunately for our non-dungeon-savvy senator, that was a cursed -3 elven leather helm he just put on. He’s actually easier to kill now than he was with less armor. However, he somehow manages to survive for several more levels, wandering down into the gnomish mines.]
You hit the gnome! The gnome misses you! You hit the gnome! The gnome hits you! You hit the gnome! You kill the gnome! (“About freaking time, too. Lets see what the spoils are this time, eh?”) You pick up a scroll called Foobie Bletch. (“What the hell? This better not be another scroll of stinking cloud.”) r You have found a scroll of genocide! What monster to you want to genocide? (“F—k yes! The day has finally arrived!”) N*****s. Sorry, no such monster exists. What monster do you want to genocide? (“Umm…”) Blacks. Sorry, no such monster exists. Wiped out all grid bugs.
[Narrator: At this point, Senator Byrd/White Dragon begins frothing at the mouth, and dies one of the most embarrassing NetHack deaths possible: kicking a wall until he ran out of hitpoints. The only potentially more embarrassing deaths are slipping while trying to mount a horse, choking to death on food, zapping yourself with a wand of death, or getting killed by a grid bug. The moral of the story? Being in the KKK doesn’t pay. And kicking walls is just plain stupid.]
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