hopefully most of you will recognize that from the animaniacs, possibly one of the greatest cartoons ever. i'm going to do a spinoff, based on the game oblivion.
the following contains spoilers of the main storyline; you have been warned.
here's the scenario. you have just been proclaimed emperor, the last of your bloodline after your father and brothers were assassinated; as such, you are the only one who can use the amulet of kings to permanently close the rift between oblivion (hell, basically) and tamriel (earth, for the sake of simplicity). you're not wearing any armor--just ceremonial robes--and for a weapon you have at best a silver longsword... good against the undead, but not much else. the elder council has just accepted your claim to the throne, when news arrives that oblivion portals are opening up all over the city, and daedra (demons) are attacking.
good idea: getting to the temple of the one and relighting the dragonfires, which will at least keep any new oblivion gates from opening, if not close the ones that are already active.
bad idea: holing up in the palace and hoping to withstand the siege
actual course: going to temple of the one. 1 for 1 so far.
good idea: letting your elite bodyguard protect you while you haul ass to the temple.
bad idea: trying to attack any daedra you come across, even if you have no body guards around to help you
actual course: you've got a melee weapon and don't use magic, so if you can attack them, they can attack you. since your life is really the only one that matters, exposing it to danger is definitely a bad idea. 1 for 2 now... but hey, that's still a passing grade in core 250, or at least it was when i took it.
by this point, you're a little beat up from all that fighting.
good idea: wait to heal up, and let your guard get reorganized.
bad idea: charge on ahead to the next section of the city
actual course: it's not quite the same without a horse, but who cares? chaaaarge! 1 for 3 now... still a good batting average in baseball, but you're failing school.
after charging around killing daedra and getting beat up for awhile, you notice something different about the cityscape... holy shit, it's mehrunes dagon (the uber demon)! with the exception of the imperial palace, he's bigger than any building in your city; although since the imperial palace is visible from about half the map away under decent weather conditions, that's not really a fair comparison. shutting the oblivion gates won't do any good now that he's here, but you have an idea for how to use the amulet of kings as a weapon, if you can get to the temple. you tell the main character (myself, the player) to take you there immediately.
good idea: following said main character--who, while not untouchable is definiteily unkillable by this point, as long as he's paying attention to his health--to the temple as fast as your legs will carry you.
bad idea: letting the main character run to the temple, all the while thinking that you're following him; but instead of following him, you run off to fight more daedra. because it's fun, or something.
actual course: you get yourself killed, dumbass, and the game is over for the main character. mehrunes dagon wins the day, and demons roam freely over the world. normally this would make you 1 for 4, but getting killed pretty much cancels out any smart ideas you had earlier. congratulations, you finished at 0 for (insert any number here). you have failed at life. at this point--since this has already happened three times--the main character gets pissed (again) and quits the game to write an angry blog post that maybe 3 or 4 people will read. which, i guess, puts it right on par with a UN proclamation, so maybe i'm not doing so bad after all.
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