Groundhog Day Press Conference

Reporter #1: So Phil, let me get this straight: you voted for a longer winter, before you voted against it?

Punxsutawney Phil: That is correct. See, I really enjoy snowboarding—that is, as long as some son of a bitch isn’t busy knocking me over and making me look bad in front of reporters—so I figured a longer winter would be great. But then I saw Al Gore on TV and remembered global warming—which, by the way, happens to be caused by humans—which would obviously cause the snow to melt off sooner than usual, leading to an early spring. Not wanting to look like an idiot, I changed my tune.

Reporter #2: Some folks have noticed that you’ve done this sort of thing in the past, Phil. How do you explain your flip-flopping?

Phil: I prefer to think that I’m being nuanced.

Reporter #1: Prominent black leaders Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have also come out in favor of the early spring position, claiming that winter lacks diversity. Snow, they argue, only comes in white, and is thus inherently racist. While Jackson has admitted that yellow snow “could possibly represent Asians,” and snow that has been blackened by exhaust, while “more like an Oreo” and “not as good as chocolate snow,” could potentially “represent people of African descent,” they are sticking to their position. It has also recently been espoused by none other than the “first mainstream… articulate, and bright and clean and… nice-looking” African-American, Mr. Barak Obama. What’s your take on this argument?

Phil: I agree completely. Just like the white man, winter has oppressed the colored people—or, in this case, the colors—of the world. It’s long past time for the workers of spring to rise up and show their true beauty, casting off the oppression of the West. I mean winter. Because let’s face it: if you study hard, and apply yourself, you can find yourself surrounded by flowers, rainbows, and happiness. And if not, you end up stuck in a snowbank.


There was originally going to be more to it than that, but somewhere between the fact that I started writing it at about 09:00 this morning during a slow moment at work (after which it got put off until now), and the rum & coke I had a little while ago, I kind of lost track of where I was going with it.